Sitting on the Fence

I am a problem solver. To the point where it can hinder me when I’m supposed to just experience things. This is proving to create drastic swings in how I feel about my potential separation from my wife.

I am distraught, plain and simple. I can feign happiness for periods of time, but at a great cost in regards to my energy levels. When I am distraught and with anything in life, I try not to complain about it unless I am trying to fix it. Well, I have been trying, I haven’t stopped thinking about ways that I can still have a happy relationship with my wife but prospects have become grim. In their simplest form here are the prospects:

A) We stay together because she has an epiphany/change of heart and realizes she does in fact love me the way she wants to and is sexually attracted to me. (Hopeful, but unlikely)
B) We stay together because she has settled for this. Essentially best friends with the possibility of little to no intimacy.
C) We stay together, but as best friends/possibly Mother and Father, but have external romantic relationships. (Awkward, and unlikely, but I am trying to be open to anything)
D) We separate and eventually come back to each other. Would it be good? Could it be stronger?
E) Separation/divorce, the end.

So ultimately, there is really only one outcome (A) where things could be as I would like them to be and as I thought they were until recently (aside from infrequent intimacy). Now the likely hood of this happening is quite low and the amount of time it could potentially take to happen is exponential. This has lead me to become pessimistic in how I am viewing what is happening. I want to be hopeful, but I need to be realistic. So through my problem solving nature today has been a day where I felt strongly that the only way it will work is to separate. I am strong and so is she and we will have to live separate lives and move on from here. It was invigorating and scary at the same time, that I could so quickly have come to a decision after only a week.

Then I heard her voice and saw her face. My heart skipped a beat; I felt whole again. Logic and problem solving be damned. I am still in love with this woman, I don’t think I’ll ever not be. We talked, and laughed and at one point she held my hand. It took everything I had in me not to pull her into me and hold her and kiss her. I resisted saying I love you. I was able to wink and let go of her hand. That’s what roommates would do. I feel that these bouts of decisiveness will plague me until she reaches a decision. Excuse the terrible cliche, but let the roller coaster rides begin.

Letting Go: Long Day, Longer Night.

Letting go. Letting go of this is going to be the hardest thing I will ever do. Yesterday my wife and I decided that we should try to live like roommates for now. The logic is we would rather “try” to be separated now than do it “for real” and realize we made a mistake.

I gave her the last hug and kiss I may ever give her.

I am a strong person. More physically than emotionally, but strong and it took every ounce my being to let go of her. We hugged for almost thirty minutes before I had the courage to let her go.

It’s been hard. I promised her I wouldn’t reach for her by accident and then be incredibly sorry/ashamed that I did. I told her it will happen, but I will try hard not to.

Last night we didn’t sleep together. I slept on the floor in the living room (until we can arrange something better). This was hard, both the floor and the emotion of it. I woke repeatedly through the night, every time the reality of the situation hitting me even harder, a great swift punch in the face. She was in the room beside me but we were not together, because WE are not together. Thump.

This morning I am sore. Very sore. I cannot tell if it is from sleeping on the floor or if my body is just beating itself up. Logically it would be the floor, but I feel like I’ve been in a fight; everything hurts, everything is tender.

I’m trying so hard to be “normal”; to be happy and think of this as an opportunity to follow my dreams. Unfortunately all of my dreams involve her. The ones that don’t I still want her to be a part of. She can tell, I’m trying hard not to let it show. I just don’t have a lot of strength left… and it’s only day one.

I am not a religious man, not formally, I believe in the power of the self, and a certain amount of divine “intervention” that exists in our world. I believe what goes around comes around; so one should treat others the way he/she wants to be treated. You could call me agnostic I suppose. But at this point, I can’t tell if I’m past believing in anything , or so desperate to believe in something that I am blind. I’m looking for answer but at the same time trying not to just give up. On this, on everything.

I love her, I always will, but the very thing that brings me so much life and joy is killing me slowly. What is this supposed to mean?

Hope is waning.

A Guy Can Dream

Sleep.

I am in a constant state of exhaustion, my body aches everyday from thinking/trying not cry so sleeping is easy to begin with. Although the very best thing about sleeping is that I quit thinking about my predicament for a while. I slip away into a place that has no regard for the gravity of my situation. No fears, no worries, no hoping, just an endless grey. Sometimes I can escape for a whole night, but not usually, because if I wake, the love of my life is laying beside me. Sometimes I can escape for an hour or two mid day. Sometimes a mere 20 minutes, but it’s 20 minutes I am free of this crushing weight.

Today, after an 8 hour night, I wanted to study for exams, but as my mind wouldn’t focus on anything other than the situation, I laid down. Three hours later I woke. Three hours.

The only pitfall is that I have to wake up at some point. I wish I could just slip into a coma until she decided. If she wanted to separate, they could just unplug me. If by some stroke of luck she realizes she loves me, truly and fully, I could just wake up and be there for her and forever.

A guy can dream…