Sitting on the Fence

I am a problem solver. To the point where it can hinder me when I’m supposed to just experience things. This is proving to create drastic swings in how I feel about my potential separation from my wife.

I am distraught, plain and simple. I can feign happiness for periods of time, but at a great cost in regards to my energy levels. When I am distraught and with anything in life, I try not to complain about it unless I am trying to fix it. Well, I have been trying, I haven’t stopped thinking about ways that I can still have a happy relationship with my wife but prospects have become grim. In their simplest form here are the prospects:

A) We stay together because she has an epiphany/change of heart and realizes she does in fact love me the way she wants to and is sexually attracted to me. (Hopeful, but unlikely)
B) We stay together because she has settled for this. Essentially best friends with the possibility of little to no intimacy.
C) We stay together, but as best friends/possibly Mother and Father, but have external romantic relationships. (Awkward, and unlikely, but I am trying to be open to anything)
D) We separate and eventually come back to each other. Would it be good? Could it be stronger?
E) Separation/divorce, the end.

So ultimately, there is really only one outcome (A) where things could be as I would like them to be and as I thought they were until recently (aside from infrequent intimacy). Now the likely hood of this happening is quite low and the amount of time it could potentially take to happen is exponential. This has lead me to become pessimistic in how I am viewing what is happening. I want to be hopeful, but I need to be realistic. So through my problem solving nature today has been a day where I felt strongly that the only way it will work is to separate. I am strong and so is she and we will have to live separate lives and move on from here. It was invigorating and scary at the same time, that I could so quickly have come to a decision after only a week.

Then I heard her voice and saw her face. My heart skipped a beat; I felt whole again. Logic and problem solving be damned. I am still in love with this woman, I don’t think I’ll ever not be. We talked, and laughed and at one point she held my hand. It took everything I had in me not to pull her into me and hold her and kiss her. I resisted saying I love you. I was able to wink and let go of her hand. That’s what roommates would do. I feel that these bouts of decisiveness will plague me until she reaches a decision. Excuse the terrible cliche, but let the roller coaster rides begin.