Resentment.
I hear about it a lot in break-ups, it’s not like I was completely unaware, but I am already resentful and it has taken me by surprise. I didn’t think it would happen at all, and for sure didn’t think it would happen so quickly. But here I am. I’m not perpetually sad, walking around like Eeyore with a cloud over my head, like I was initially; I’m spiteful, bitter, angry, and determined. This is not in my nature, I’m not a guy that holds grudges, or even gets angry. I’ve never been in a physical fight in my life, and I can count on one hand the amount of times I’ve yelled at someone in an angry fight. Even with my wife, we have never really fought, and never have we yelled at each other. I feel like I am a pretty chill fellow. Now all of the sudden, I don’t want to hold her, I don’t want to kiss her, I am upset. I’m upset that she mislead me for so long. Yes, she wasn’t aware of her feelings until recently, but what am I to do now? I don’t want to be the man she has “settled” for because she is worried she won’t find anything better, on top of that I want a relationship where sex and intimacy are involved.
This has led me to rethink how I feel; I was worried that the longer I wait for her to decide what she needs to do the more I would wither, ultimately leaving me as a husk of a man. Now I worry that by the time she decides I may not be able to love he anymore. I worry that I will be too resentful and never be able to love her wholeheartedly because I know she has stayed because she has chosen to settle. I don’t want to be the one to ultimately have to end things, but it won’t be fair to either of us if this is how I feel. This scares me. It adds another alternative that is also a “break-up”. Aside from the fear it has brought on, it has brought on a grim hope.
A new light. The ability to start fresh; from nothing, build my life, build myself, build new relationships, new friends and lovers. The grimness of the situation is that it will likely cost me extensively financially; I am a student and cannot afford much in the way of accommodation. My wife and I have two cats and a dog, and unless I take on the dog, who I love dearly, we will have to surrender her. I don’t want to do this, as she is such a sweet heart and we rescued her; promising her she was safe and ok now and forever… So if I am to find a living situation that will accommodate a dog, and ideally, be a “non-roommate” situation, so I can find myself I will need to pay much more then if I could simply rent a room. Not to mention in due time re-accumulating all of the physical belongings we will have to split. But the very prospect of a new adventure has excited me. I love the new and the different, exploring.
I still love her, I truly do think I always will. But right now, I love her from a distance, with resentment. These feelings are so foreign to me, and could very well change, as they have throughout the process thus far. In the here and now and for the last few days I am upset, angry, bitter and resentful. Hurt. The most enlightening part of this transformation of my feelings though is the increase in my hope and optimism. Things might not be as bad as I expected; hard, but good. Trying to experience this whole situation as it is without forcing things one way or another will be a true balancing act.
Balance on.
wordzexisthere 