I don’t want to lose her, but I think it may have already happened. She is so distant, cold, and almost callous at times. I think she had given up on us before she even brought it to my attention. I miss her, I miss her so much. I don’t want to sound like a little 15-year-old boy but my vocabulary is limited; I just love her so much and I don’t know what I’ll do without her. She is seemingly having no issues with the fact that we having been sleeping separately for a while now and on top of that is very fluent in the art of living like a roommate with me. I am unsure if she is just very good at concealing her emotion; which is something she can do, it has just never been from me, or if she is genuinely so disconnected already. I have never felt like she would cheat on me, ever, and she has said that she wouldn’t explicitly, but I feel like falling in love with someone else would be the only logical way to explain such a sudden disinterest. I have asked her to help me clean the house and to help me go to our storage unit so we can bring home the futon (as I have been sleeping on the floor) and she hasn’t been able to do so yet. She has been busy, but I feel this is due to a lack of caring, possibly because I am overly sensitive at the moment. The only fleeting moments of her love for me that are left are when she says I love you; but this is bitter-sweet, I worry that it is but a habit, and I KNOW that she loves me, but not intimately. She may as well be saying I love you to her father or brother.
I don’t know if I can take it. We have agreed that we should try living like roommates, but I hate it. Every second. I miss her, and I love her, and I want to be with her. Unfortunately, I don;t think she feels the same. I am so stuck and so lost because I cannot talk to anyone. We don’t want the world/our friends and family to know yet so that their influence doesn’t sway our decisions one way or another. This means anyone whose opinion I would want to have, I can’t. I am not close with my parents and haven’t seen eye to eye with them on a lot of things, but the last little while all I have wanted to do is talk to them about it, which is SO strange. I wake every morning, in the office, on the floor and I’m not even upset, I have the strongest desire to walk into our bedroom, crawl in bed on hold my wife, to kiss her soft skin again, smell her hair, look into her eyes. All of it. I don’t just feel this way because I am a “horny male”, I don’t even want to have sex, I juts want to feel that intimacy between us again. God I miss her. These feelings, this absolute desire to have her back, to bring things back to “normal” make me think I won’t be able to do this. Things will never be normal, because she has realized that she doesn’t love me intimately, she loves me dearly, but not intimately. She says during the sexual and intimate times her anxiety is almost tangible; she thought this was normal; until recently and when she realized this she told me that she has never felt true intimate love with me from the beginning…. tough. If it never HAS been, how will it EVER be? I don’t think I can live in a “sexless” relationship where my wife has chosen to stay with me simply because she doesn’t think she can find better. I don’t know what to do, I feel like if I love something as much as I love her I am supposed to fight for it; but if what I’m fighting for doesn’t want me what do I do then? Living in this state of limbo in which I have to feign that I don’t want to reach out and hold her hand, or kiss her goodnight is killing me and I don’t know if I’m supposed to wait for it to end, or just end it know for my own well being. Even if it does end, if she stays, which is what I “want” I don’t know if I can deal with it, knowing she doesn’t love me the way I love her. I’m so conflicted.
Looking for an answer,
hoping to last long enough to do so.
wordzexisthere 